As I sit ever so patiently in the airport, my thoughts go to what’s been happening to me over the past 2 weeks and where the heck I’m headed. Heading not just in the sense of physical location, but where I’m heading in my life. The idea I put out to the universe of stumbling upon a job that paid decently in either city so I could stay for however long I want put a MUCH different spin on packing and tying up loose ends before leaving. It’s also made me think more deeply about my past relationships, current relationships, and what really defines family and friends.
I’ve been dating. It feels…odd. I’ve never really been a “dating” kind of girl. I meet someone, we talk, we become friends and then some drunken night we end up shagging and *poof!* all of a sudden I have a boyfriend. On top of that, I’m really bad at figuring out that I’m actually being asked out on a date. Unless the guy says the word “date”, I never think it’s a date. Even if he pays for everything. There’s an interesting block in my head that developed from my time in New York City that says men are supposed to pay for everything even if they’re not your boyfriend. Of course having two older brothers doesn’t help either. I have always been more comfortable around guys. The problem: growing up with two older brothers meant they “persuaded” other guys to not date me (that’s what a little bird told me) and thus I was always surrounded by my brothers and all of their friends that never showed an interest in me. Now when I’m in a group of guys, I never really think that one of them may be interested in dating me. These are issues I’ve been struggling with for years. It has a tendency to create very awkward situations.
Which is why I like Hollywood. He drew the line in the sand that his interests were not just friendship. Hollywood wanted to date me.
So why have all my relationships failed? I think the answer is: I’m an intelligent conservative crazy looking for a renaissance man that’s just as crazy as me. Since I’m no longer baby crazy, it has made me wonder if the relationships I had during that time would have worked differently. Would I still be with James? Lucas? Sef? Would I still be happily married to Thadd? Probably not. Oh well…
To top the craziness of maybe not coming back, I moved out of my apartment and have committed to couch hopping. Which made the packing process even crazier since I had to decide what was staying with me, what was going into storage, what was being sold, and what was garbage. If you ever need to let go, decide on being a gypsy with no home. It makes you let go of alot of things, including your perceptions and opinions. Such as family. Yes, I have blood family, but my Colorado family stepped up to help in ways I never expected. Even new friends from the Denver Cruisers have opened their homes and hearts to me. It really is touching to know there are so many kind people still out in the world. Hopefully, I find just as many awesome people in Europe as I have in Colorado.
I’m not sure what my destination is in the big scheme, but I feel that I’m finally open to the path and all the mud that was weighing me down before has dried. Now it’s time to kick it off and follow the dragonflies.