October holds the holiday Halloween which most Americans, especially little kids, associate with trick or treating, candy, pranks, and the good old horror movie. Halloween, also known as Samhain (said like sow-en), is also know as a time where the veil between the worlds is thinnest. If you want to get connected to a loved one that has passed on, this is your holiday to get the best reception over the inter-dimensional cell phone waves. I find that this has become a time where I start to “lose” people. Friends move or tuck themselves in for winter. Summer flings suddenly fall away with the leaves on trees. Fair weather acquaintances go back to driving cars instead of riding their bikes. Everything and everyone slows down.
And if you don’t have a summer crush secured as your winter cuddle buddy, then it’s going to be a very chilly, lonely winter. At least according to one of my good friends…but he just left for San Francisco.
Which is part of my reason for writing today. Bittersweet changes. Summer is definitely gone as of today in Colorado. Denver had its first snow of the year. Mr. Ireland has headed off to the west coast on a new adventure of an awesome new job. I’ve been dealing with another injury that has taken me away from my work and looking at what I can do for a living until I’m healed, but also looking towards the future and where I need to go with my career instead of where I want to go.
Then there’s the loved ones that have passed: my grandmother, Jose, uncle Joe, even Augie (once upon a time my Maltese). I feel fortunate that death has left my loved ones alone for so long, but that won’t last forever. With ever year, I feel the press of time more and more and how it wears on us all.
Then my mind wanders to all the lost loves and friends. I hope they are happy and healthy in their lives. Sometimes I wish I could express to them that I’m sorry for whatever fucked up thing happened between us. Or even just the “I’m sorry we lost each other in the shuffle of life”. Sometimes, it’s better to let it go instead of rehashing what you can’t fix or apologize for.
For me, this month is a time of remembering loss and doing a little healthy grieving. Whether it’s a deceased loved one, a friend that has moved far away, or a lover that has fallen out of love: I still love you all. You have taught me lessons and given me love that has shaped who I am today. I am grateful for it all, even though at moments the lesson was so painful.
On Samhain, the Sun God dies and we all wait for his rebirth on the Winter Solstice. We wait for the warmth of spring sunshine on our skin. We hold on to the memory of summer to give us hope through cold winter nights. Just like we hold onto the memory of loved ones, in hope that we might see them again.